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(this thought occurred to me randomly yesterday. as i wrote it, it kind of evolved. i am thinking about possibly adding it to my standup set in a couple of weeks. leave me a comment and let me know what you think, or if you have suggestion on how to improve it. thanks…chris)

Telling another person “you are welcome” is almost always an appropriate response for when some says “Thank you”. It is polite and proper etiquette. 

There is one exception. 

After sex. 

Even if the other individual thanks you, responding with  “you’re welcome” makes you sound like you love yourself a little too much. However, there is one exception to this rule.

After paying for sex.

Then it is perfectly ok for the service provider (hooker) to tell the customer:

“you’re welcome. Will you toss me that towel?”

In fact, this might be the only service where the customer thanks the provider and the provider can respond in such a way. 

Imagine going to Blockbuster to rent a video.You rent your video, and the end of the transaction goes something like:

Customer: Thank you for letting me rent Fast 5. 

Employee: You are welcome. 

Seems nice, but… NO! The employee must thank the customer for spending their hard earned dollars at their establishment. Make them want to come back and spend more dollars. If they did the “you’re welcome” routine they would go out of business…and then how would I go rent Fast 5.

(WTF, they went out of business! How am I going to rent Fast 5! Those fuckers…just when I forgave them for being so terrible for so many years)

I guess what I am saying is this; if someone says “you’re soooo welcome” after sex. You are either dating:

A) A complete narcissist who probably is still wearing white sunglasses. 

B) You just paid a prostitute for sex.

C) You had sex with someone so that you can borrow their copy of Fast 5.

Ride or Die